Friday, July 27, 2012

5.1?

I took 1 dose of Provera last night before bed, and I'm already bleeding.  It's never worked this quickly before

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

4.42

Day 2 of GF diet.  Kitchen on main floor is gluten-free zone.  All foodstuffs that might have even a trace of gluten have either been pitched or relegated to the pantry or the basement kitchenette.  Mostly I'm finding that I don't like the GF versions of stuff I used to eat with gluten nearly as well, but it's manageable.  And bonus, I found out my favorite cheese ball (I eat it all the time, not just parties) is GF! Also, Mom's Best Crispy Cocoa Rice > Cocoa Krispies!  It is chocolaty-er (which so far I can't say for most GF chocolate flavors.  Yay for a new favorite cereal!!!!

Did most of my GF shopping at Hy-Vee.  Everyone was so helpful!  The manager of the health food department told me to be super strict for 3 weeks--even to the point of drinking and cooking with bottled water.  If I notice no improvement, it's a bust.  If I feel better, I can slowly reintroduce *presumably* GF items like tap water, etc, that wouldn't gluten on the ingredient list but might be contaminated in transit.

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

4.41

Starting a gluten-free diet today has so far meant fasting today, as I can't find any gluten-free food in the house.

Trying to make a doctor's appointment to rule out ectopic pregnancy, since still negative pregnancy tests and no sign of AF.

Prayers would be appreciated.

Thursday, July 19, 2012

4.36

I thought I was pregnant, but I'm not.  I think stress and illness delaying my period.  Recently learned from another mutant that MTHFR can cause a non-celiac gluten sensitivity.  So after vacation this weekend, next week, I am starting a gluten-free diet.  Hopefully, my diet and my next cycle will both start on Tuesday.

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

4.7

What I learned this week:
1) Whatever I may have told you before, I'm telling you now: baby food jars and duct tape are NOT a good storage option for essential oils.  They will leak.

2) Some supplement capsules open.  You can dump them into smoothies.

3) Your body never forgets breast-feeding--at least, not after six months.  DS fell asleep on my chest and my tank top slid down with him. I started lactating and my uterus contracted, even though he was sound asleep and not trying to suckle.

4) Male sales clerks don't know what the Diva Cup is.  I drove an hour away to get a new one, but I'm wondering if it was necessary.  The difference being I spoke to a male clerk on the phone at the first store and a female clerk on the phone at the second.

5) Bowling makes me want salty snacks and caffeinated beverages.

Saturday, June 16, 2012

4.2

Sorry I've been away so long.  I'm not nearly as faithful at this as I had hoped.

Obviously, by the title of the post, I'm not pregnant.


Thursday, May 31, 2012

3.14

I've been horribly lax about posting.  Sorry.

I think I ovulated on Tuesday, but I'm going to the carnival and riding rides tonight anyway.  Am I asking for trouble?

Thursday, May 24, 2012

3.7

Exercise has fallen by the wayside between illness, ants, and broken toes.  Now the house is a wreck, I have Bible Study and a funeral to attend in the next 2 days, and the following weekend is a camp out.  I have made a commitment to return to crocheting after the camp out.  I think I need to make a commitment to start doing yoga and running again after the camp out.  Anyone care to hold me accountable?

P.S.  Had hoped to run a 5k, but since I'm so out of shape I guess it's just as well that the 5k fell on the weekend of my camping trip...here's to next year...

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

3.5

Slowing down AF...research and advice say missing supplements on my period won't hurt.  Gonna go for it...

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

3.4

Going to do a little more research these last few days of my period before we make a final decision whether or not to TTC this cycle.

Good news!  The exterminator is coming tomorrow to finish the job, but we saw no piss-ants today!  I got to eat 3 square meals in my own home!  I felt so much better.

Sunday, May 20, 2012

3.3

Yesterday the washing machine broke.  Still waiting on the exterminator to confirm the ants are gone.  Thus, still not eating properly.  PMS is a *censored*.  Haven't had any of my supplements or more than one square meal a day since the ants first arrived.  I think I am dying.  I don't think even if this gets straightened out before the bleeding stops that we should try this month.  My body needs another cycle to recuperate and get back on the meds.  I don't want to get a BFP just to wind up having another miscarriage.

Saturday, May 19, 2012

3.2

Okay, so I'm obviously not preggers.  Started a new cycle yesterday.  Not going to try to sway this time.  I'll eat normally--as soon as the piss-ants leave.

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

2.26

I have been plagued by my yearly infestation of piss-ants this week, and I can't bring myself to eat while in the same house with the darn critters.  So I have been living on one hamburger per day for a couple of days.  I'm not sure this is healthy.

Also, Fertility Friend keeps changing my ovulation date, so I'm not sure whether I'm sick, ovulating, pregnant, or starting my period.

Do you ever question why, if you are saved, does God seem to have it in for you?  Sometimes I feel like the only good thing in my life is my little boy.  That's probably the hormones and the malnutrition talking...

Monday, May 14, 2012

2.23

Mother's Day is a bittersweet time for the woman who has children in both this life and the afterlife.  Today was emotional.  I know it is even more difficult for the women whose children are ALL in the afterlife.  Blessings, dear ones!

Saturday, May 12, 2012

2.21

So glad my doctor told me not to bother swaying; I would have missed out on some delish prime rib.  Also, I bought expensive (old lady) shoes and totally rocked them--dancing the night away with a broken toe. I was the luckiest girl at the wedding; I had THREE dates!  Hubby was in the wedding party, so I ate dinner with DS and BIL's BFF, then danced with all 3 of them (mostly with Hubby).

Thursday, May 10, 2012

2.20

Macrobid hasn't made the burning go away.  They haven't called me back with my labs yet.

So much for being a good girl...I POAS'd at 3AM and again at noon.  BFN.  They haven't called me back with those labs either.

I've been super emotional today.  Everything either makes me cry or scream, I was tempted to throw my dinner plates just because the sound of shattering ceramic would be so satisfying, and I drove DS crazy wanting hugs/kisses/snuggles when he just wanted to watch CARS and play with his HotWheels.

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

2.19

Started my Macrobid (generic kind) for my UTI today.  Hopefully it will finally go away.  It has never been severe, just mildly annoying, but it's lasted for so long now.

Still waiting for a call back on my quant beta.  I was a good girl and did not POAS.

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

2.18

Went to the doctor today.  Got a prescription for my UTI and a beta draw.  I asked the doctor which form of MTHFR I have, and he said I'm hetero A1298C, and if I had to have a mutation of that gene, that's the best one to have.  Got him to draw a beta, although he was skeptical about my O date and thought my sway was probably more likely to prevent a pregnancy that cause me to be pregnant with a specific gender.  He explained to me in no uncertain terms why swaying is bunk.  Part of me is disappointed, because I can't try to force God's hand anymore; part of me is relieved, because I can eat whatever the heck I want.  I celebrated with a roast beef sammie before bed.

On that note, Pastor finished his sermon series on the book of Ruth, and he was talking about how Naomi always had some sort of plan to force God to do what she wanted--even to the point of risking Ruth's (already tenuous as a Moabitess) good reputation.  I've been thinking about it a lot and was already wondering if I should continue to sway pink...doctor just confirmed the direction my thoughts were headed.  Sorry for trying to do Your job, Lord.

2.17

So sleepy today, and weird appetite.  Glad I'm going to the doctor tomorrow.

Monday, May 7, 2012

2.16

I desperately wanted caffeine this morning, but I was a good girl.  Aren't you proud of me?

Made quiche tonight for the first time and it turned out well.  Ham is a meat I can consume with my current diet, and I read that eating eggs can help with implantation...

Saturday, May 5, 2012

2.15

I am skinny, but I'm on a diet.  Diets aren't only for losing weight.  This month I've decided to abstain from red meat, from caffeine (other than chocolate, which I can't live without), and to cut back on my sodium intake.  I'm hoping that this will jumpstart the benefits of having taken Saw Palmetto during my follicular phase and lower my testosterone.  For one thing, if I were to be pregnant, I want to sway pink.  For another, I'm tired of being so hirsute.  PCOS causes higher levels of testosterone in some women.  We'll see how long the diet lasts.  I'm committed to staying on the diet for the rest of this cycle unless I am already pregnant.  Beyond that, it will depend on if I notice any hormonal benefits and when/if we are TTC.  I know I don't want to live this way for the rest of my life, but I can live this way for large portions of my life if need be.

2.14

More vomiting.  Flutters.  Fatigue.

5dpo is too soon to POAS.  I feel like an idiot for wasting the $.

I still think I have a UTI as well, and I'm also wondering if I'm OD'ing on Magnesium.  TMI alert: I've had a lot of diarrhea lately.

I'll take a list of supplements on Tuesday and I'll let you know if the doctor makes any changes.

On the bright side, I got to see Avengers: Assemble tonight and have all the feelings.

Thursday, May 3, 2012

2.13

Still think I have a UTI.  Also, I barfed a little before dinner and had some cramping while we gave DS a bath.  Trying to arrange a doctor's appointment sometime next week for treatment of UTI, maybe a beta, and some advice for the future if this wasn't my cycle.  I got my crosshairs today, but only because I discarded yesterday's temperature...which makes sense because I hadn't had 3 consecutive hours of sleep when I took it. So I'm at 4dpo now.

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

2.12

No crosshairs yet.  My temps dropped a little yesterday and today, but not enough that I doubt ovulation was on CD9.  Feel a little better after 2 glasses of cranberry juice today.

2.11

I'm pretty sure I ovulated on CD9 and also that I am developing a UTI.   I find it interesting that last month as soon as I stopped the vitamin C and Echinacea, I came down with a bad sinus infection; and this month as soon as I stopped the cranberry, I came down with a UTI.  Maybe preventative medicine isn't always helpful part time...

Monday, April 30, 2012

2.10

My nose finally cleared up enough to do yoga again.  I think I did a good job for being so rusty.

I'm not sure, but with the fatigue and temp spike I had today, I may have O'd yesterday.

I'm very emotional still.

Friday, April 27, 2012

2.7

Emotional and tired for no real reason.  It's like major PMSing, but my period has been over for 2 days.  No pain to speak of, but slight nausea.  I wonder if it's a reaction to one of the new drugs?  Maybe the saw palmetto is making me too feminine?

Thursday, April 26, 2012

2.6

Grrr...I told myself I wasn't going to miss any days this cycle.  Actually, I think someone stole the 25th from me.  It's like it never existed.  I forgot to do my self-exam as well.

WARNING! TMI!  So, AF went bye-bye today and I celebrated by trying the RePhresh gel.  Seriously, I think I will use it every month after AF, because it just made me feel so much better.  It's like all the yuck just disappeared from head to toe as soon as I used the stuff.  Headache, cramps, everything, was still lingering when I woke up, and then POOF!

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

2.4

I went for a looooong walk today.  I left the house at noonish and didn't get home until 4:30.  At least I stopped at the library and a friend's flat.  Before I got lost.  Discovered that walking in moderation helps with cramps, but too much makes cramps worse.

Monday, April 23, 2012

2.3

So, I still haven't gotten back on the Wii Fit because I still have a cold.  Took DS swimming this morning.  It was clearly the yoga that made AF so light and painless last month, because my cramps are HORRIBLE and so is the nausea.

Saturday, April 21, 2012

2.2

Went for a walk with the boys today and dropped in to surprise my BIL and SIL.  It helped my cramps a bit and the fresh air seemed to do my nose some good.  Because 24 hour Sudafed doesn't last 24 hours.  However, it did help me get a good night's sleep for the first time in weeks.

Thinking about trying to do the Wii Fit again tonight since I can breath a little.  I'll let you know what routine I end up with for menses.

2.1

After further research and the supplements I took last month not killing me, here is the new revised list.
Menses--take a pregnancy test before starting regimen, even if bleeding comes on time!
Daily:
100mg Vitamin B-6
1000mg Vitamin C
81mg Aspirin
800mcg Folic Acid w/ Vitamin B-12
450mg Saw Palmetto
500mg Magnesium
400mg Vitex
up to 4200mg Cranberry plus vitamin C
600mg Calcium plus Vitamin D
Acidophilus
400mg Echinacea
Acupressure with Lavender/Rose/Vanilla in Grapeseed suspension
As Needed:
Caffeinated Beverages
Maalox
Sudafed
Acupressure with Lemon/Vanilla in Grapeseed suspension
Follicular Phase
Daily:

100mg Vitamin B-6
1000mg Vitamin C
81mg Aspirin
800mcg Folic Acid w/ Vitamin B-12
450mg Saw Palmetto
500mg Magnesium
400mg Vitex
up to 4200mg Cranberry plus vitamin C
600mg Calcium plus Vitamin D
Acidophilus
400mg Echinacea
Acupressure with Lavender/Rose/Vanilla in Grapeseed suspension
Every 36 Hours:
RepHresh suppositories
As Needed:
Maalox
Sudafed
Acupressure with Lemon/Vanilla in Grapeseed suspension
Luteal Phase
Daily:
Acidophilus
500mg Magnesium
600mg Calcium plus Vitamin D
81mg Aspirin
800mcg Folic Acid w/ Vitamin B-12
100mg Vitamin B-6
Acupressure with Lavender/Vanilla in Grapeseed suspension
As Needed:
Maalox
Sudafed
up to 4200mg Cranberry plus vitamin C (use sparingly due to the vitamin C)
Acupressure with Lemon/Vanilla in Grapeseed suspension
If Pregnancy Occurs
Daily:

Acidophilus
500mg Magnesium
600mg Calcium plus Vitamin D
81mg Aspirin
800mcg Folic Acid w/ Vitamin B-12
100mg Vitamin B-6
Acupressure with Lavender/Vanilla in Grapeseed suspension
Progesterone suppositories through first trimester


As Needed:
Maalox
Sudafed
up to 4200mg Cranberry plus vitamin C (use sparingly due to the vitamin C)
Acupressure with Lemon/Vanilla in Grapeseed suspension
Preggie Pops/Pop-Drops
Up to 2 caffeinated beverages per day




Thursday, April 19, 2012

1.27

Still can't seem to lick this cold, and I can't do yoga when I can't breathe.  I think I'm also gearing up for a visit from Auntie...

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

1.26

Last night, I didn't get to blog b/c of a power outage.  I really wanted to tell you that I relieved my toddler's headache with acupressure at GV24.5: Third Eye Point (the crease just above the bridge of the nose and between the eyebrows).  I was glad that I didn't have to give him medicine when he woke up from his nap with a headache ("Huwt head, ow, Mommy!"  "Would you let me try some acupressure?" "Twy pwessure, please."), and he liked it so much (and/or the headache returned) that he actually requested I do the acupressure again at bedtime.  "Hand fodehead, Mommy, fumb fodehead, pwessure fodehead, please!"  whilst grabbing my thumb and pressing it to the Third Eye Point.  He's not yet two.  I love that kid!

Sunday, April 15, 2012

1.23

I fear I've been horrendously inconsistent with this.  I'm going to let being sick be a good enough excuse for right now.  I'm kind of annoyed that the Vitamin C and Echinacea I took during my menses and follicular phase didn't prevent this.  Also, I've not been exercising this week.  Oh well.

I feel kinda stupid for not thinking of this before tonight, but I found some head cold pressure points online and used my lemon-vanilla blend.  I was already feeling much better today, but that gave me a great deal of relief.  I will try that from the beginning of my next illness...if I remember to do so...

Thursday, April 12, 2012

1.21

I've missed a bunch of days.  Sorry folks.  I've also been missing days on my Wii Fit.  I have another thermal shift, but I may have a fever.  Does a head cold (not treated with cold medicine) cause fertile cm, though?  Feeling like crap with a headache and runny nose and sleeping all day and up all night not breathing.  Please pray for me.

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

1.20

Crosshairs are still dotted, I felt like I had mittelschmerz again...oh, and my BBT thermometer has gone AWOL.

Monday, April 9, 2012

1.17

I'm going to cheat and skip my workout tonight.  I went to the pool with the kids today, at least.  But after my son waking me up every two hours in the night (to ask for a snack and then throw it at me each time), and dealing with my kooky kid sister and eating too many sweets...I'm just too light-headed to feel safe doing any yoga or strength training.

Sunday, April 8, 2012

1.16

Feeling pretty good; just beat an 8-year-old at a dance game for kids...I must be in shape!

Saturday, April 7, 2012

1.15

Finally got some dotted crosshairs, and it was the day I thought I ovulated.  I'm pretty sure I didn't conceive; thankfully, because my due date would be Christmas Day if I were preggers :-/.  Now I just need to make it through the 2ww and on to the next cycle! Yay!

P.S.  For the first time in my (non-pregnant) life, I feel fat.  My BFFs Edwardian corset was murder to get into, and I can't tighten the laces even the teensiest bit once it is fastened.  I hope I can still eat a big brekky tomorrow.

Friday, April 6, 2012

1.14

Luteal/pregnancy exercise routine (safe until 36 weeks, or discomfort, whichever comes first--maybe safe until delivery if baby is in wrong position):

Deep Breathing
Tricep Extensions
Downward-facing Dog
Side Lunge
Bridge
Rowing Squat
Warrior 
Lunge

Thursday, April 5, 2012

1.13

Anyone want to stalk my chart?  It's too early to see cross-hairs even if I'm correct, but I think there's a clear thermal shift (need one more day of high temps to confirm) and my cervical position bears up my theory that I O'd 2 days ago. I had some brown spotting for 2 days, which is abnormal for me whether or not I ovulate.  But I'm still having Über  fertile CM and today I had like the worst Mittelschmerz  EVER...wondering if the egg-white mucus is due to the supplements I've been taking?  Should I be concerned or is this a sign that the supplements are doing their job?
Stalk my chart, please?

1.12

It doesn't look like we're going to get our weekly swim this week.  DS threw up before we could get ready to leave for the pool.  I think when my health club membership runs out, we will just buy a punch card instead of paying monthly.  This sort of thing happens too often.  I only hope I stay consistent without the guilt of wasted membership fees to drive me.

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

1.11

I'm not so sure "they" are correct about exercising and endorphins.  I still struggle with depression, even on days when I work out for hours.  Maybe Reese Witherspoon's defense of her client in Legally Blonde was not a good one..."Exercise makes people happy; and happy people just don't kill their husbands."

Don't worry.  Hubby is still very much alive.  Someone who knows us in real life can call him and check on that if you think I'm lying.  I'm just making a point here.

On the other hand, I feel a lot better physically, if not emotionally.  I'm improving at my exercises.  Yesterday I ran faster than I had been; today I spent 2.5 hours walking with DS and my sissies.  As for my nightly Wii Fit routine...

This is my follicular phase Wii Fit routine:

Half-Moon (tonight I got 91pts--4 stars/Yoga Master!)
Warrior (tonight I got 100 pts--4 stars/Yoga Master!)
Torso Twists (tonight I got 100pts--4 stars/Bodybuilder!)
Tree (tonight I got 100pts--4 stars/Yoga Master...however, I cheated a bit and used a chair for stability)
Downward-Facing Dog (tonight I got 73pts--3 stars/Yoga Trainer...I've gotten higher scores in the past)
Plank (tonight I got 55pts--2 stars/Exercise Novice)
Cobra (they don't score this one)
Bridge (they don't score on this one)
Shoulder Stand (they don't score on this one)
Spinal Twist (they don't score on this one)

Monday, April 2, 2012

1.10

Realized that the other thing I fell asleep before doing on Saturday was running. I'm going to have to run like 4 times this week if I want to get my monthly quota in.  Hubby sent me for a run before dinner while he watched our son.  I made pretty good time, considering I've only run once this spring and considering I got like no sleep last night...

Sunday, April 1, 2012

1.9

Hey all, sorry I forgot to post yesterday.  I was just too excited!  I never would have believed it, but you can get confirmed ovulation on CD 5 and a positive beta on CD 8.  That's right; it's only CD 9 and I have a confirmed pregnancy!  Fertile Myrtle over here!  Highlight below if you want to know the sex of my baby!

*Actually, no.  That's not possible.  I fell asleep before I blogged last night because we had a crazy busy weekend.  I slept through exercising and reading my Bible, too.  I just April Fooled you!*

Thursday, March 29, 2012

1.7

So proud of myself for keeping a healthy routine for a whole week...ok, so I fudged a bit and was lazy most of today; but I had a burst of energy and got a crapload done this evening.  Also, my Wii Fit Balance Board was so inspired it got the shivers.  It was pretty darn cute.  I've finally done enough Wii Fit (since Christmas) that I unlocked the ultimate stamp.  It's pretty stinkin' cool!  *SPOILERS* It's a drawing of my Mii!

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

1.6

Phew!  Had a bit of a scare today...

Last night I removed my cup before going on a date, because I was so light.  I just put on a pantyliner.  My date lasted about 3.5 hours, and when I came home, there were just a few spots in my liner. I changed to a regular pad before bed.  I woke up in the middle of the night with no blood in my pad and no blood when I wiped.  Ditto when I woke up in the morning.  So I took my Vitex.

An hour later, I had NEON pink spotting.  Now, I think it's just leftover from my period and it's stopped now. But I had read that you shouldn't take Vitex while menstruating.  So I freaked.

Did the research again, and while it's not recommended to take Vitex during menses so that your body cleanses itself naturally, it will do no harm to take it from CD1 to O.  Still, do not take it after O without asking your doctor first, because it does mess with your hormones and could hurt you and your baby if you are pregnant.  I plan not to try to take it during menses, but will not flip out if this happens again.  We'll see if I flip out when Fertility Friend gives me crosshairs and I realize I kept taking it for days after I O'd...

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

1.5

Definitely a shorter, lighter period this cycle.  I attribute it to the new, healthy lifestyle.  I plan to start the Vitex tomorrow.

Thankful for my sis convincing me to go on a walk with her this morning and a date with Hubby tonight ;-)

Monday, March 26, 2012

1.4

A little about how I got here:

I've always been a "skinny streak of nothing" and been the "family catcher" (virtual cookie to whoever can get either of those references).  My menarche didn't show up until I was 14, and it has never been regular.  As a teen I'd go for months on end without a visit and then when it finally came, it would last 2-3 weeks.  Not a lot of cramping, but I would throw up a lot.

My freshman year of college, right around the time my Grandma died,  I had a "period" that lasted for ~80 days.  That finally freaked me out enough that I mentioned it to my doctor.  She put me on birth control and sent me to a gynecologist who diagnosed me with Von Willebrand's Disease.  I was referred to a hematologist who was a real jerk--he yelled at my mom whenever she asked a question, told me I was a mental case (I was, but he really didn't know and was quite rude about it), and his phlebotomist wouldn't believe me that I was about to faint and then gave me a lovely scar on my arm.  I asked to be transferred.  My new hematologist told me I was perfectly healthy and there was nothing wrong with my blood whatsoever.  With no answers from the hematologists, the gynecologist switched me to a second form of birth control and called it a day.  I basically had morning sickness every day for a few months, and then I started bleeding when I was not supposed to. I also began to experience debilitating cramps while bleeding.

I had to cancel my mission trip to Europe to go to the Mayo Clinic, where I spent only 2 days.  At the time, it seemed like a miracle that all it took was 2 days...in retrospect, it was just incompetence (this is in no way a commentary on Mayo in general, just the particular group of doctors I encountered).  After many painful tests, I was diagnosed with "anovulatory cycles" and given a different brand of birth control.  In case you didn't know, anovulatory cycles are not a condition, they are a symptom.   On this new birth control, I was not supposed to have a period for 3 months. The doctor figured if I wasn't ovulating anyway, why bother bleeding?  That fall, I transferred to a university from my junior college.  Within 6 weeks of moving into the dorm with a good friend as a roomie, I was bleeding a month early, fighting with my roommate and her boyfriend, skipping classes to sleep or vomit, and having suicidal thoughts (fantasies of jumping out of my 22nd floor window or cutting my wrists with my leg razor).  I dropped out of college and moved home, where I secluded myself in my bedroom for another 6 weeks--frequently considering jumping out my second floor window as well.  I had been quasi-dating a guy I had met at summer camp, but we were keeping too many secrets from each other and lived too far apart, so we "broke up".  It was devastating to me, because although we had never officially defined our relationship, I felt that he had cheated on me by dating another girl without telling me until they decided to make their relationship exclusive. He felt that I had lied to him by keeping my health problems a secret (though I believed no guy would want to know about my female problems).  During this time period, I went off of the birth control medication and once my cycle returned to "normal" I almost completely forgot that I had been suicidal.  It was like I was remembering a movie about a suicidal girl, not my own thoughts.

I returned to junior college the following semester and took some fun, non-transferrable classes just to remain on my 'rents' insurance while I got my health straightened out.  I got a new gynecologist, who did some more testing and told me I had PolyCystic Ovarian Syndrome.  She also decided I was allergic to contraceptive pills, since 3 brands had made me progressively sicker both physically and mentally.  She put me on medroxyprogesterone.  This solution worked well for the next year or so.  Around the time I was getting this all settled, I met a guy.

By the time fall rolled around, I was as healthy as I had ever been, things were serious with my new boyfriend, and I re-enrolled in uni (with special concessions from disability concerns like a note to all my profs that let me miss class on my period as long as I made up the homework, and a single dorm room on the floor with the elevator).  Looking back, that was the best *full* school year I ever had in college.

My boyfriend graduated that spring, and the night before his cap and gown ceremony, he proposed!  That summer, I went on a mission trip and enjoyed planning my wedding.  I had one year of college left, and it was an internship 30 minutes away from my home and 20 minutes from where my fiance' wanted to look for a house.  I tried the Nuva-Ring during our engagement, to get acclimated to it before our wedding.  It only stayed in about 3 hours, which I spent vomiting and developing a painful rash on my stomach. We were married on New Year's Eve and spent my last week of Christmas break on our honeymoon.   Nerd that I am, I spent portions of our trip finding material for lesson plans on the Mayans and  killer whales!  I was blissfully happy.

But going back to school as a married woman was more difficult than I expected.  I had learned my lesson to be honest about my health problems early in our relationship, but Hubby wasn't fully prepared for the shock of living with them.  Plus, he had his own full time job, so it was harder for him to cater to my needs than it had been for my retired parents. The stress of a wedding and international travel screwed up my cycle again.  My workload was heavier the second semester of my internship, and I began to be a nightmare to live with.  I started to get my equilibrium with school back around March.  I was excited for my birthday and school was finally going well.

Then I suddenly started throwing up every morning, loosening my bra, and craving Chinese food (which I have always hated and hate now).  We were hoping that I could finish school and teach for a year or two before having a baby, but the test I took the morning after my 24th birthday confirmed that I was pregnant.  I scheduled my first blood test and OB appointment for the upcoming spring break.  In the week that intervened, I was on a physical and emotional rollercoaster.  At times, I wished I wasn't pregnant, and thought of even getting a divorce and leaving the baby with Hubby (a weird consideration for a girl whose lifelong goal had been mommyhood).

The day before spring break, March 20, 2008, I was *for once* early to school.  I was setting up some things in the classroom, but excused myself for a much needed bathroom break when my cooperating teacher arrived.  That is when the worst season of my life began. Four years later, and I'm shaking and crying as I write this.  For as I sat in that little stall, I was met with a rush of bright red blood.  I screamed, and as soon as I was out of the bathroom, I ran back to my classroom to tell my CT that I thought I was miscarrying (we had told no one of my pregnancy yet!).  She took me to the school nurse and called Hubby.  I was rushed to the nearest hospital, where I was told--not in so many words--"You idiot; can't you recognize your own period?  You've never been pregnant a day in your life!"  12 hours after that oh so kind diagnosis, I passed an obviously recognizable fetus.  I had believed myself to be 4-5 weeks pregnant, but based on fetal development, I was probably about 6-7 weeks.

Less than 24 hours after my miscarriage, we attended the Good Friday service at our church, where we shared the experience with the elders and a few friends...The one good thing I've always felt came out of the whole situation was that on that Good Friday, I finally understood the lyrics that say, "How great the pain of searing loss!  The Father turns His face away."  For the Father had also experienced the death of His Only Begotten.

That week of spring break was series of difficult doctor appointments in which each ob/gyne I saw had a conflicting opinion.  Some said, yes I had a miscarriage; others said, no I had never been pregnant.  I went back to school the next week, and almost all of the faculty and half of my fellow student teachers refused to discuss my miscarriage.  One of my former CTs had heard I was pregnant but not about my miscarriage, and came over to congratulate me.  I went home in tears that day.  Also, over spring break, the school secretary's daughter had given birth.  So I had to hear about that all week.

The final straw was the Friday of my first week back.  I was still feeling physically ill, so Hubby had to drive me to school.  When I walked in the front door, there was the school secretary, holding her newborn grandson.  I ran back to the car and told Hubby to drive, as I whipped out my cell and called my CT.  She spent the entire 20 minutes of my drive home telling me I was a failure and that if I didn't get my @$$ back to school, I was never welcome in her classroom again and I would never be a teacher.  This woman had previously been such a good friend and mentor that I had invited her to my wedding and voluntarily hung out with her outside of school.  As we pulled into our own neighborhood, she must have looked at a clock, because she hung up without saying goodbye.

We pulled into our garage, and I tried to send Hubby to work.  My plan was to get on the internet as soon as he left and Google the most painless form of suicide.  He could tell something was wrong, though, and refused to leave my side.  As the morning wore on, I grew more and more desperate--he finally had to wrestle me into the bed and sit on my back while he phoned our Pastor for help.  Pastor, in turn, talked me down from the ledge, and got me an appointment with an excellent therapist.  However, such severe suicidal thoughts and also my physical state after the miscarriage required that I also go to the ER for an evaluation.  Once there, I was kept against my will and Hubby was threatened with legal action if he interfered.  They took away my clothes and for almost a week I had to wear scrubs and was not allowed to shave my legs.  It was the most terrifying and humiliating week of my life, but I also had some great times in God's Word alone and with Pastor, and went to some great classes on managing depression.  I again experienced conflicting doctor's reports--one doctor told me to my face that I had experienced a miscarriage, not knowing that I would be given access to my chart that evening; the chart on which he wrote, "She is delusional; she was never pregnant."  Another doctor tried to diagnose me with schizophrenia when I related how a few nights previous I had woken up to a sound that I thought was my baby crying for me.  It turned out to be the neighbor's cat.  Hubby heard the cat as well, but the psychiatrist insisted that I was hearing voices and had to be given very strong anti-psychotics.  I was almost kept in the "Nut Hut" even longer for refusing those meds; but we all finally compromised on some antidepressants, officially dropping out of uni again, and a minimum 3 month wait to TTC.

I wanted to break the last part of the deal.  For the entire 3 months, I tried to wheedle, seduce, logically convince, and outright trick Hubby into TTC.  Two months after my m/c, we had to relocate for Hubby's job.  We were given a basement apartment by Hubby's company, as we were only going to be there a few months.  We continued renting our duplex and came home two weekends together, and I came home for two separate weeks alone to help with Vacation Bible School at our church and my parents' church.  We also went on vacay for a weekend.  But other than that, I spent the entire summer in that basement, because we only had one car and there was road construction and gangs that made walking in that neighborhood unsafe.  Other than daily phone calls with my mother, and the occasional visit from my BIL and his then-GF who went to uni nearby, I was alone.  Also, my new antidepressants were the wrong kind AND the whole town reeked from a soy processing plant, so I threw up every morning.  When my period was late, I was convinced I was pregnant again.  I must have peed on 50 sticks that summer.  All BFN.  Aunt Flo finally showed up after we moved back home.  Then we started trying.

Every month I charted.  Every month, we BD'd when we were supposed to.  We ALWAYS BABY DANCED.  We never made love anymore.  Every month, I POAS at least once. I started buying "internet cheapies" to make my habit more affordable. In December, I had another wonky cycle.  I got frustrated, and I decided to take a break from TTC.  My period didn't come at all in January, but I wasn't sure when to expect it anyway.  Hubby was tired of TTC as well, so I took to POAS while he was at work.

The day before Valentine's Day, I finally got my BFP.  I secretly went in for a beta, and that was positive, too!  I bought Hubby a stuffed animal that played a lullaby, put a diaper on it, and wrapped it up with a Valentine decorated with my pee stick.

When I was 6 weeks pregnant, I started spotting.  We rushed to the emergency room.  They gave me a 3D ultrasound, but Hubby was not allowed to come into the room, and they were out of paper for photos.  The baby was perfectly healthy; I'd had a cyst from a previous cycle that had burst on the opposite side of my uterus.  Just in case, I was put on bed rest.  Which totally sucked, because I'd just started a career as an Independent Beauty Consultant a month before my BFP, and while I was on bed rest, I lost almost all of my clients.  Three years later, my business has never recovered.

The day after I was taken off of bed rest was a Sunday.  Getting dressed for church, I noticed that many of my clothes no longer fit.  I made Hubby take me shopping for maternity clothes.  I will forever regret that excursion; because I will never be sure if I overexerted myself walking in the mall and harmed my baby that day.  We started looking for a house...sometimes I wonder if I walked too much on those trips as well.

On March 10, 2009, I woke up in the wee small hours of the morning with horrible cramps.  I called the doctor's office.  They said not to worry unless I started bleeding, and to come in for an ultrasound that afternoon.  At my ultrasound, we were told they could no longer find the baby's heartbeat and she was about 2 weeks too small.  They wanted to schedule a D&C.  I told them I wanted a second opinion before I made that decision.  I went home and prayed and cried and slept...three hours later I got a call from the hospital to let me know I was scheduled for surgery ON MY BIRTHDAY.  I yelled at everyone I could get a hold of from both the hospital and my doctor's office--how dare they schedule a D&C when I told them I wanted to wait for a second opinion!  That night I miscarried naturally.  Being at least 8 weeks preg. when the baby died, and 9 weeks by the time I miscarried, it was much more like going into labor.  Instead of coming out in one piece like our first child, this baby sort of fell apart.  The only thing that was in tact  was a pair of startlingly blue eyes.  They were so beautiful.  I still have nightmares about them.

After the fiascoes with both of my miscarriages, I could not bear to see my gynecologist anymore.  A friend referred me to a married couple who shared a practice and volunteered with a ministry to women who had lost pregnancies.  My new doctors did another round of blood work, and discovered that I have a heterozygous mutation for MethyleneTetraHydroFolate Reductase.  This may or may not have been a contributing factor to my miscarriages, but it was certainly affecting my menstrual cycles and my overall health.

Once my body recovered, we started TTC again, but not as aggressively.  Our offer on a house was rejected and we decided to stop looking.  But then, as I was walking around the neighborhood in which we lived, I noticed a house that we had both frequently admired was up for sale.  Without much hope, we inquired about it.  It was just a little above our price range.  We made a counter offer.  It was accepted and they cancelled their first open house.  We were the first couple to see it, and it was ours.  We always say that since God dropped this house into our laps, it's His.  We want to use it for His glory in any way possible.

In October, I had another wonky cycle.  I thought I might be pregnant, and I almost cancelled our trip to Six Flags.  I wasn't pregnant.  We decided to take another break.  My period in November was short and light. I still wasn't pregnant.  In December, I got another BFP. My new doctors put me on baby aspirin, progesterone suppositories, and Zofran.  I never gained much weight, because I couldn't keep more than one meal a day down; but my beautiful, healthy son was born exactly 25 minutes before his due date.  He is now an intelligent, affectionate, and rambunctious 19-month-old.  My OB put me back on birth control--low dose progesterone only--but that too made me ill, and when I had the first suicidal thought I'd had since before my son was born, I decided it was time to get off.  Clearly all forms of hormonal birth control do my body more harm than good.

When our son was 6 months old, Hubby and I started inquiring about adoption.  I've had a heart for orphans since I was a young girl, and I definitely want a daughter and I wanted to avoid the morning sickness.  Hubby doesn't care how we get more kids, as long as our son is not an only child and as long as we don't have so many that he can't spend quality time with each of them. He too has a heart for orphans; although he is just as content helping them through a ministry like Compassion or Holt. We were told that I'd need to get the okay from my therapist, and that we couldn't start the process until DS was at least a year old.  Shortly after his 1st b-day, I returned to therapy.  In the intervening months, I've been told that I've made a lot of progress; but it will be years from now--if ever--that I am stable enough to adopt.  So we've started thinking about TTC again, so that DS will have a sibling close to his own age.

When DS was 11 months old, my cycles returned.  They were more regular than they had ever been--even than they had been on the best of medication.  Until Thanksgiving.  Thanksgiving Day, I started feeling ill.  The next day, I had a huge argument with my MIL, with whom I am usually great friends.  Three days later, I was expecting my period, but it didn't come.  For weeks, I tested--BFNs.  DS was in the process of weaning--he finally gave up the breast all together a week before Christmas.  I think that is what caused all my problems.  I had a 50 day luteal phase.

The next month, I had a 9 day luteal phase.  Aunt Flo visited 4 days early; and about 2 days after we started talking about TTC in the near future.  At the time I was very concerned about a possible luteal phase defect. Looking back, I wonder if I had a chemical pregnancy.

We decided the next month that we were not trying, not preventing.  We were going to be okay with whatever God handed us.  Pretty words coming from me.  My husband at least followed through with that sentiment. Three days after I ovulated, one day before I realized that I HAD in fact ovulated, I started having  a lot of nausea and frequent urination.  I had a triphasic chart, and my period was almost a week late.  But every test was a BFN.  Other women in my "buddy group" on Fertility Friend got their BFPs.  I got very angry with God when my period finally came.  And that's where you met me.  Here we are.

I pray that whatever the outcome of my journey to physical and mental health, that somehow God uses it to draw YOU, dear reader, closer to His Son.




Sunday, March 25, 2012

1.3

I don't know if it is my new regimen or not, but my period is much lighter this time.  Normally I would be filling my cup 3-4 times a day (you are supposed to empty it a minimum of twice daily), and every time I check it, it is nearly empty.

I am feeling a bit alone right now, as I am the only woman I know who is charting/trying to be really in tune with her body, while NOT TTC.  Maybe I'm wrong, but I feel like the other women I know who aren't TTC are either just starting to get in touch with their bodies or not bothering to understand their cycles at all...even amongst my "ovary owners" support group...And all the woman I chat with on Fertility Friend are all about the BFPs every month.  I DON'T WANT a BFP this month, but I still want to pay attention to my body.  Does that make me a freak?

However, I am immensely thankful for my SIL, who is holding me accountable, and giving me good advice on this journey.  I'm also glad we live near each other so we can exercise together. :-)  And God's timing on this was so perfect to speak to her about sharing these things with me on a cycle that I am frustrated with the status quo and NOT TTC, so I can just get myself in shape before TTC again.

Saturday, March 24, 2012

1.2

Here's the regimen:

Menstrual Phase
1000mg Vitamin C
100mg B6
400mg echinacea
800mcg folic acid w/ B12
nightly massage and/or acupressure w/ vanilla, rose absolute, and lavender in grape-seed oil
Wii fit yoga (no shoulder stand) daily
running once a week
swimming once a week
all the caffeine I want
Basal Body Temperature monitoring every day
Wii fit body test every day
cloth pads, Diva cup, Instead softcups
long walk once a week (weather permitting)

Follicular Phase
 400 mg Vitex
1000mg Vitamin C
400mg echinacea
100mg B6
800mcg folic acid w/B12
nightly massage and/or acupressure w/ vanilla, rose absolute, and lavender in grape-seed oil
Wii fit yoga daily
Wii fit strength training once a week
Wii fit aerobics once a week
Wii fit balance games once a week
swimming twice a week
running twice a week
little to no caffeine
Basal Body Temperature monitoring every day
check cervical position every day
check cervical mucus every day
Wii fit body test every day
Pre-seed as needed
long walk once a week (weather permitting)

Luteal Phase
100mg B6
800mcg folic acid w/B12
Bayer low dose "baby" aspirin (not recommended for everyone--I have methyltetrahydrofolate reductase)
nightly massage and/or acupressure w/ vanilla and lavender in grape-seed oil (NO ROSE ABSOLUTE)
Wii fit yoga daily (no cobra or difficult balancing acts)
swimming twice a week
running once a week
long walk once a week (weather permitting)
little to no caffeine
no POAS unless and until AF is late!
Basal Body Temperature monitoring every day
check cervical position every day
check cervical mucus every day
Wii fit body test every day


As Needed Throughout Cycle
acupressure w/ lemon and vanilla in grape-seed oil for nausea or respiratory discomfort
Wii fit plus
cranberry pills for urinary tract discomfort
Maalox for heartburn


I will try to update this blog daily to let you know how this regimen is working and any tweaks I make.

1.1

I started a new cycle today.  At first I was a bit angry with myself for having false hope (even though we weren't officially trying to conceive) and angry with God that He let my previous (3!) cycles be so wonky.  It's a good thing He's a big God and can handle my pettiness.  After the initial pity party, though, I thanked my Father for this new beginning and made a decision to take my physical and mental health into my own hands rather than letting the chips fall where they may.  Not to say that I'm taking it out of His all-capable hands.  Just that I'm tired of the status quot and trying to cope with what my broken body and fallen world hands me.  I'm tired of taking the expected route and reacting to the negatives.  With the help of my dear sister-in-law (who has similar health issues) and my wonderful gynecologists, I spent my son's nap-time pulling together the aggressive holistic health plan that will be the focus of this blog.  I am weaning myself off of antidepressants and beginning a regimen of dietary supplements, exercise, and essential oil aromatherapy to regulate my menstrual cycle and my mood.

Disclaimer: consult a physician before starting or stopping any medications!  Not everyone should wean off antidepressants and nobody should do so without doctor supervision and prayer!

Also, Wii Fit Yoga rocks my socks off for relieving cramping!